Mobile Suits have long been hailed as the most powerful weapons known to man.. They are capable of mass destruction, the demolition of planets, satellites, as well as entire Space Colonies. Needless to say, they are also the most complex machines ever created, and require countless hours of attention and maintenance... The year is After Colony 195. While not the most environment-friendly devices on the Earth, the Gundams have become more than just weapons. They have become chores that very few people have the willpower to do. You really have to care about your Gundam to keep it up and running without any problems. The Gundam Wing draped back its titanic wings as the camera panned out over the Planet Earth. The Sun's rays reflected off of the Gundam, blinding it from the oncoming assault of the Altron Gundam "Nataku." It blasted Gundam Wing with its Flame Throwers and immediately spread out its Dragon Fangs as a replacement to the spread-eagle position that Gundam Wing is notorious for at the beginning of an episode. DUM DUM DUN DUN DUM DUM DADADA DAAAAAAAA! MOBILE SUIT GUNDAM WING: NATAKU'S PROBLEM By: L. Curtis Totty Chang Wufei entered the hangar of the Peacemillion, where the Gundams were being kept. Even though the war was over, Wufei decided to take a little ride in his Gundam, to see how the battle had scarred it. "Who's a widdle cutie Gundam? Who's a widdle cutie Gundam?" asked Wufei to his beloved "Nataku." "You are! Yes, you are!" Wufei quit hugging his Gundam's leg, and leapt into the cockpit. He sat down in the pilot's chair. "All right, Nataku, let's get going!" .... .... .... "Um, Nataku?" .... .... "Nataku." .... "NATAKU!" "What do you think is wrong with it?" asked Heero Yuy. "I don't know! I don't know!" bawled Wufei. "Uh...okay, calm down," said Heero. "YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!" cried Wufei. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" "Hmm...looks to me like the Astro Boosters are busted," said Heero. "The...Astro Boosters?" asked Wufei. "Yeah. They look shot to me," said Heero. "THANK YOU, HEERO! I'M OFF TO FIND A NEW SET OF ASTRO BOOSTERS!" cried Wufei. "Uh...do you mind if I take the Wing Zero?" "Uh..." "Thanks, Heero!" said Wufei, as he climbed inside the Gundam Wing Zero, to find Dorothy Catalonia in a nearly invisible article of lingerie. "Uh...what the hell?" Dorothy crawled out of the Gundam and ran to Heero's arms. "Whatever," said Wufei. He sat down in the Wing Zero's seat. "Let's see what this Zero System can...YOU WILL OBEY THE WILL OF THE DARK LORD!" Wufei shot up from the chair, staring at it. "Whoah...That was out of control..." said Wufei. "One more time!" The Gundam Wing Zero sped towards the nearest Treize Auto, hoping that they had a new set of Astro Boosters. "Yes! There is the Treize Auto! Now I must destroy it, I mean...get the Astro Boosters!" The Gundam Wing Zero was already affecting his mind. Wufei ran into the Treize Auto, and rushed to find someone to help him. "HEYYOUWORKHERERIGHTYOUVEGOTTO HELPMEMYGUNDAMISBROKENDOWNIDUNNOITCOULDBETHEASTROBOOSTERSBUTIMNOTSUREANDTHEYMIGHTBEOUT OF GAS! I MEAN REALLY OUT OF GAS, NOTLIKETHEOTHERKINDOFOUTOFGASOHYOUKNOWWHATIMEANIDONTHAVETOSPELLITOUTFORYOU PLEASE SAVE MY NATAKU!" "Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah! Slow down!" said the guy. "You've contracted what STD now?" Wufei grabbed the guy by his collar, clutching onto him, gasping for air. "What's...your...name...punk?" He lifted his nametag to Wufei's line of vision. "K-k-Kip." "Welllllllllllllllll KIP!" yelled Wufei. "I frickin' need frickin' two frickin' Astro Frickin' Boosters, frickin' and frickin' I frickin' need frickin' them frickin' NOW!" "Well, sir...uh, we do have the Hyper Jet Rockets. They just came in today!" "PERFECT!" cried Wufei. "I'LL TAKE THEM!" Wufei was testing the Hyper Jet Rockets on the Gundam Wing Zero. It was so fast that he found himself throwing up in his own face. "IT STILL WON'T WORK!" cried Wufei, shaking Heero's collar. "IT WASN'T THE ASTRO BOOSTERS AFTER ALL!" "S-s-s-o-o-o t-t-t-r-r-r-y-y-y s-s-s-o-o-o-m-m-m-e-e-e-t-t-t-h-h-h-i-i-i-n-n-n-g-g-g e-e-e-l-l-l-s-s-s-e-e-e..." said H-H-H-e-e-e-e-e-e-r-r-r-o-o-o, shaken, not stirred. "Oh sorry, Heero," said Wufei. "N-N-N-o-o-o p-p-p-r-r-r-o-o-o-b-b-b-l-l-l-e-e-e-m-m-m..." said Heero, his whole body still shaking. "Wow, that could be...interesting..." said Dorothy, looking at Heero with a wry smile on her face. "Maybe it's the Battery," said Duo Maxwell, as he climbed out of the bushes. "Well, looks like its back to Treize Auto for me!" said Wufei, as he climbed back into the Wing Zero again. "What's that Wing Zero? Relena's chest is very flat?" "WHAZAAAAAAAAP!" requested Wufei. "Oh great, it's that guy again..." said Kip. "I need a new Battery. The Hyper Jet Rockets didn't work," said Wufei. "This is the Bloodsucker 9000, guaranteed to drain all the energy from the entire universe in seconds. It's also effective in powering a Gundam," said Kip. "Right," said Wufei. "If this doesn't work, I shall return!" The Gundam Wing Zero rushed back to the Peacemillion, its battery creating an enormous energy force field around it, destroying whatever came within 250 feet of it. "All right, I got the Bloodsucker 9000. Now, it's time for me to install it," said Wufei. He put the battery in place, and activated his Gundam. Instead of bringing the Gundam to life, the entire room went pitch black. "What the hell happened?" asked Relena Peacecraft, as she jumped down from the ceiling. "I think the Altron's enormous energy burned out the Peacemillion's energy supply," said Hilde, as she teleported into the hangar. "I'll try to find two replacement batteries for the hangar," said Wufei, as he began to grope around. "Hmm...I feel two objects that are large and round. They must be the spare batteries..." "No, they're my breasts," said Relena. "No, they're too big," said Wufei, as he made his way to the fuse box. "Well then, who's groping me?" asked Relena. "Okay! I got it!" shouted Wufei as the lights came on. "Duo..." said Relena. "Why...are...you...touching...me?" "Sorry, I thought these were Hilde's..." said Duo. .... "...Well?" asked Relena. .... "'Well,' what?" asked Duo. "Aren't you going to let go?" asked Relena. "Oh! Of course!" said Duo. .... Duo suddenly found his face stuck in the door. Quatre Raberba Winner entered through that door, pushing it open, and thus Duo was smashed into the wall behind it. "Hey, guys! What's up?" asked Quatre. Everyone looked at him strangely. "Oh, I mean WHAZAAAAAAAAAAP!" said Quatre. "WHAZAAAAAAAAAAAP!" replied Heero, Dorothy, Wufei, Relena, and Hilde. "AAAAAAHHHH-UUUUUUUUUP!" replied a muffled Duo. "There's something wrong with 'Nataku.' He just won't start," said Wufei. "You know, I once had a similar problem," said Quatre. "Luckily, Big Momma knew what to do!" Suddenly, the other Gundam pilots fainted. "What happened?" asked Dorothy. "I'll field this one," said Trowa, as he fell out of Dorothy's dress. "You see, Dorothy, each of us Gundam pilots received six months of very special training. Each of us were put into the foster care of an African-American woman from the Deep South. It was a very enlightening experience." "I remember when my Big Momma used to tell me to go out back and make a whipping switch out of an old twig," said Duo. "Then, I would come back with a huge, splintered piece of wood, with which she would BEAT ME UNTIL I CRIED BLOOD! 'Old Judgment,' we used to call it. I sure do miss it..." "What happened to Old Judgment?" asked Relena. "We lost it somewhere," said Duo, as he began to fix his collar, again. "WOULD YOU QUIT PLAYING WITH YOUR COLLAR?" yelled Hilde. "I TOLD YOU TO QUIT THAT HABIT!" "But I'm not fixing my collar!" said Duo. Suddenly, out of the back of his shirt, Duo pulled out a large, splintery piece of wood, drenched in blood. "Here it is! I've been looking for Old Judgment for months!" "My Big Momma used to beat me with a frying pan," said Wufei. "My Big Momma used to beat me with bullets," said Heero. "My Big Momma used to beat me with an axe," said Trowa. "My Big Momma used to beat me with the gold watch I got her for Christmas!" said Quatre. "A gold watch?" asked Hilde. "Yeah. She'd just put it on, and backhand me in the side of my head!" said Quatre. "How I miss her." "My Big Momma used to bake the most delicious chocolate chip cookies!" said Trowa. "She never let me taste a single one!" Trowa began to cry. "So how did your Big Momma fix your Gundam?" asked Dorothy, to Quatre. "She would just recalibrate the Cockpit-Body Connection," said Quatre. "Once in a while, you have to do that, because the wires connecting the controls in the cockpit to the Gundam's body get screwed up, and you have to reconfigure them." Wufei tried calibrating the Cockpit-Body Connection. "Gundamn it! It still doesn't work!" said Wufei. "Maybe it's out of gas," suggested Relena. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH stupid female," said Wufei. "Howard refills the Gundams with fuel everyday, don't you, Howard?" "I thought Heero did it," said Howard, as he smashed through the wall. "I thought Quatre did it," said Heero. "I thought Dorothy did it," said Quatre. "I thought Duo did it," said Dorothy. "I thought Trowa did it," said Duo. "I thought Hilde did it," said Trowa. "WHY IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO IT?" snapped Hilde. "Oh wait, I did do it.." "You did?" asked Wufei, as he checked the gas meter on the Altron. "It says its full." He went down to the gas tank to make sure. As he looked at the substance in the gas tank, he began to tremble. "Well?" asked Relena. "Hilde...see that sign over here?" asked Wufei. "The one right next to the gas tank?" "Uh...yeah?" asked Hilde. "What...does...it...say?" asked Wufei. Hilde mumbled something about "Unleaded Fuel Only." "UNLEADED FUEL ONLY!" repeated Wufei. "FRICKIN' UN FRICKIN' LEADED FRICKIN' FUEL FRICKIN' ONLY FRICKIN!'" frickin' yelled frickin' Wufei. "R-r-r-i-i-i-g-g-g-h-h-h-t-t-t..." stammered Hilde. "AND WHAT DID YOU PUT IN, GENIUS?" yelled Wufei. "I put in the Gundanium Mobile Suit Fuel from the Treizaco Station," said Hilde. "That stuff is for regular Mobile Suits!" yelled Wufei. "This is a Gundam! Thus, it is a Pokémon! And Pokémon need to be given special care, DON'T THEY?" "Right..." said Hilde. "AND DID YOU?" asked Wufei, fuming. "I guess not..." "YOU GUESS NOT?" cried Wufei. "HILDE, YOU'RE A STUPID FOOL!" "HEY!" said Duo. "No one calls Hilde a stupid fool, but me! HILDE, YOU'RE A STUPID...Aw, it's worthless now! You stole my line, Wufei! We meet at the Gundam Field!" "You're on!" said Wufei. The Gundams Deathscythe Hell and Altron "Nataku" stood on the Gundam Field, which was named for its long history of drag queen contests. Wufei had filled his Gundam with the correct fuel, and the Altron was working again. "All right, Wufei! Are you ready?" asked Duo. "Gundamn straight, Duo!" yelled Wufei. "Now I'll have the chance to get my revenge for what you did to me on Challenge of the Child Geniuses: Who is the Smartest Kid in America! I remember it like it was only five years ago!" "IT WAS YESTERDAY!" yelled Duo. "Ah yes..." said Wufei. "I remember it well!" (Note: The flashback sequence that was actually a copy-and-paste from one of my previous fanfics meant to fill up the required amount of space had to be edited out for space. Weird, huh?) Duo sniffled. "I was so wrong to do that..." "It's okay, Duo! I know how you can make it up to me..." said Wufei. "How?" asked Duo. "DIE!" yelled Wufei. "YOU CAN'T KILL THE SHINIGAMI!" yelled Duo. "I'VE GOT THE HIGH SCORE ON ENDLESS DUEL!" "You practice using a video game?" asked Wufei. "HEY! IT'S A BATTLE SIMULATING DESENSITIZER!" yelled Duo. "AND I'VE BEATEN YOUR ASS WITH IT 47 TIMES!" "Whatever, but can you handle the real thing?" asked Wufei. "Of course," said Duo, as he motioned the handle on his Gundam from the bottom to the right twice, followed by a quick press of the Punch Button. The Gundam Deathscythe Hell suddenly performed its 24-hit Super Combo Beam Scythe Spinning Uppercut Attack on the Altron Gundam, which tried quickly to block the attack, but failed. "You've forgotten that the Deathscythe is the fastest of the Gundams!" "Not anymore!" said Wufei. "Don't forget about all the stuff I got from Treize Auto! With the Bloodsucker 9000, I put out way too much energy!" All Wufei tried to do was hover a little above the ground, but thanks to the Bloodsucker 9000, the Altron Gundam nearly burned half the spectators to a crisp, and not to mention the huge shock wave it put out. "Oh no..." said Duo. "And then there's the Hyper Jet Rockets!" said Wufei. "With these, I'll run circles around everyone!" The Altron Gundam sped towards the Gundam Deathscythe Hell before anyone could see what happened. "What?" asked Duo, surprised. "And don't forget about how I calibrated by Cockpit-Body Connection!" said Wufei. "I should've done that ages ago! Now my Gundam's response time is cut in half! 'Nataku' attacks almost before I tell it to!" Wufei proved this by repeatedly slashing the Gundam Deathscythe with the Beam Glaive. Wufei followed up with a pair of Flame Thrower blasts from the Dragon Fangs. The Gundam Deathscythe Hell was beaten and battered. Duo could hardly make it stand up. The Altron Gundam moved closer and closer, as Duo struggled to get his Gundam up and running again. "Shiné, Shinigami..." said Wufei. One of the Altron's Dragon Fangs was about to go driving into the face of the Deathscythe Hell, when suddenly, something was in the way. "WUFEI!" yelled Hilde. "I'M THE ONE WHO MESSED UP THE FUEL ON YOUR GUNDAM! YOUR BEEF IS WITH ME! LEAVE THE BOY OUT OF THIS!" "All right," said Wufei. "WHAT?" cried Hilde. The Dragon Fang flew towards Hilde, moving closer and closer at lightning speed. It was inches from finding Hilde's heart when... ....It missed. "Huh?" asked Hilde. "I can't kill her," thought Wufei. "HEY!" exclaimed Heero, as he inhaled his popcorn. "This reminds me of the time I spared Relena's life because I liked her!" "WHAT?" yelled Dorothy, angrily. Heero choked on his popcorn. "OH, I GET IT, WUFEI!" yelled Duo. "FIRST, YOU STEAL MY LINES! NOW, YOU TRY TO STEAL MY GIRLFRIEND?" Hilde was blushing. "I just can't kill her," thought Wufei. "No, wait. Yes I can." The Dragon Fang flew towards Hilde's face, and this time, it appeared to be on its mark, when... ....The Gundam Deathscythe Hell's Beam Scythe knocked it away. "What?" cried Wufei. "You're back and able to fight again?" "That's right," said Duo. "Now, it's time for me to take you down!" He swung the Beam Scythe at the Altron Gundam, which quickly blocked with its shield. "Nataku" countered by swinging the Beam Glaive at the Deathscythe, hitting it square on the head. Duo fired forth the Buster Shield from the Deathscythe Hell's right arm, which hit the Altron right in the stomach, which was where the Bloodsucker 9000 was sitting. "DUO, YOU DUMBASS! NOW, IT'LL EXPLODE!" cried Wufei. He quickly made his Gundam reach inside the hole in its stomach and pull out the Bloodsucker 9000 at the nick of time. Using auxiliary power, the Altron threw the Bloodsucker 9000 into the sky, where it hit a low-flying plane and was knocked back into the Altron's hands. "Gundamn it." The Bloodsucker 9000 exploded in the faces of the Altron Gundam "Nataku" and the Gundam Deathscythe Hell. There was an enormous flash of light, and for a while, no one could see what had happened to the two Gundams. After a few minutes, the light began to die down. Soon, the others saw what had happened. The Altron Gundam "Nataku" and the Gundam Deathscythe Hell lay on the ground inside a tremendous crater. Duo came tumbling out of the crotch of his Gundam (EWWWW!) as usual, as Wufei exited his. "Well," said Duo. "I guess that's the end of our fight, eh Wufei?" "YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHRRRRGGGGHHHH!" yelled Wufei as he went running at Duo with his sword. "Yikes!" cried Duo. He began to run for his life, as Wufei charged at him with his sword. They began to run up hills, then down those hills making them invisible until they went up some more hills and went down them again, in typical animé fashion. The other Gundam Wing characters began to laugh with their hands on their hips and their eyes closed, and their mouths never closing, also in typical animé fashion. Someone fell down in typical animé fashion; someone else got a really bad haircut in typical animé fashion; and someone else began to transform into something really strong in typical animé fashion. "PLEASE, WUFEI! CAN'T WE JUST BURY THE HATCHET?" cried Duo. "Of course we can bury the hatchet," said Wufei. "IN YOUR BRAIN!" Duo began to cry for his Big Momma. 77"< DUN DUN DADA-DUN DUN! DUM DUM DADA-DUM! Next time, on "Mobile Suit Gundam Wing"...The Gundams' onboard computers have suddenly contracted viruses, and have begun to act strangely, and attack both the Space Colonies and Earth looking for chicks, like the Gundam Peacecraft. But what they find is...um...big trouble. Can the Gundam pilots fix their Gundams and save the women of the Earth and the Colonies? Next time on Gundam Wing Episode 69... "Gundam Pundam Pudding and Pie Kissed the Girls and Made Them Cry."